My first mistake was to shower first.
I thought that while Spousal Unit was late for work anyway, he could watch the Gadlet long enough for me to at least wash my ass. I could tell he was a little resentful that I asked him for this, since he was already late, but I think he could sense the desperation in my voice so graciously agreed. I got enough time to wash and to put on a bra and underwear, but decided against other clothes so that I wouldn’t overheat in the bathroom for the next step.
After I showered, I turned on the space heater in the bathroom, and undressed the Gadlet. Second mistake. I thought maybe her little hiney would like some air time for a few minutes while I got out her bathing equipment. So, she lay on a diaper and a towel on the floor while I got out the giant baby-shaped sponge that sits inside the bathtub, her little baby bathtub, a baby towel, a washcloth, a little bottle for pouring water, and the Insanely Expensive Organic Natural Unscented Special Baby Soap in a Bottle.
With the tub filled with nicely warm water, and everything all set for her bath, I picked her up to shift her from the bathroom floor to the bathtub, and she peed all over me. So much for ME being clean. Oh well, I thought, at least one of us will be clean today. I plunked her in the bath and wiped myself off with the diaper that she had been laying on. Then I wiped up the pee from off of the floor so that I wouldn’t be standing in pee while I washed her.
This done, I start to clean the baby. I scrubbed away, washing all of her parts in order (cleanest to dirtiest), and being sure to dribble water in her face so that she will be used to it and not be afraid to put her face in the swimming pool when she starts lessons in 5 years. I soaped everything up, then rinsed her off, and as I turn to grab the towel to take her out of the tub, I saw a strange greenish-yellow tinge appear in the water — and for a second I didn’t know what it was or what was going on. I was confused. Then I realized it — she was shitting. Into the clean bathwater. Which surrounded her completely. After I just finished cleaning her. And suddenly there was shit everywhere. Between her toes, all over her legs, all over the baby-shaped bath sponge, and of course, floating in the bathwater.
I grabbed her and moved her to higher ground in the tub – well away from the water and the shit. And then I just stood there totally kerflummoxed. How do you clean a baby when the equipment for cleaning her is full of poop, and therefore, unclean?
Meanwhile, disturbed by the state of events, as well as by my awkward one-handed grip on one of her underarms (trying to keep away from the shit myself), the Gadlet starts howling. Shrieking. Screaming.
As best I could, I ran the water in the sink that was awkwardly situated behind the baby tub and used that water and the washcloth to remove the shit from her as she howled. Then, I put her back down on the towel to continue the deshitification, which she did not like one bit. More screaming. At a higher pitch and intensity.
Finally satisfied that my baby was clean enough that she wouldn’t get the cholera from touching her legs and then putting her hands in her mouth, I picked her up, sat on the toilet and tried to calm her with the boob, which she likes very much. She nursed for a few moments and relaxed. Good, I thought. I have a naked baby to dress and a tub full of shit to deal with, but other than that, things are good. (I’d given up on cleaning the baby pee off of myself.) The screaming had stopped, life seemed back on track. Just when I thought that, she pulled off of the breast and spit up a copious amount – like gallons – all over me, herself, her towel, and the bathroom floor.
So there we were, both of us in varying states of nudity, both of us covered in baby yak, sitting next to a tub of shit and a floor nicely decorated with pee and vomit. At which point I just started to laugh. Clearly, some form of her bodily fluid was going to cover her today no matter what I did.
It seemed quite plain that Fate had determined that Cleanliness is not next to Gadletness.