So F#($*%* Cursed!!

I think that what happened to me today on the way home from campus (as I frantically prepare for classes to begin.  Sigh) proved that definitively and without a doubt that I am cursed.  Yep, abso-fuckin-lutely cursed.   I’m beginning to think very very seriously about finding a shaman or a priest or some other kind of spirity hobamajiger for help with this situation.  It’s becoming a real issue. 

What happened, you ask?  Well, I get to chalk another one up on my Roadkill Bingo Scorecard, and this time I hit it big!  No average possum or chipmunk or sparrow this time. No way, I finally got exotic and hit one of these on the way home from campus today: 

I just KNOW that there is a special place in hell for those of us who kill critters as beautiful as this. Clearly there’s gonna be a whole separate room down there reserved just for those assholes who decided that EVERYTHING has to have a whole extra plastic “safety seal” surrounding safely sealed plastic containers, with a special seating section for the jerks that are STILL buying Hummers in this environment and economy, and a separate side wing for those nitwits who kill Indigo Buntings. I mean, the cool name alone is enough to let you know that they’re not just your average bird.  When I saw the flash of vivid blue, Indigo as it were, as it flew under my tires, I just knew I was screwed.  

[Although if I’m honest, I think what I said at the time was: “NO FUCKING WAY!!! YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!  ANOTHER ONE????”] 

So do you think if I got some priestess-ish type of person to burn some sage and say something in latin or piglatin or esperanto and anoint me with frankincense and chicken broth or something that it would stop this madness?  I mean, really, I think I kill something every third trip out there. That is just fucking insane.  Do ordinary people kill this many animals while driving, or is it just me?  Or is it just that I notice?  That I happen to look back and see the little blue schmear on the road and take a moment to decide whether or not to stop and try to revive said little critter with mouth-to-beak resuscitation?

And I also do have to wonder — is it ME or is it the CAR?   While the preponderance of hits in the Flaming Subaru of Death have been on my watch, a couple of weeks ago we were coming home from a day trip to a town near the college and were driving on the same road and Spousal Unit was at the helm, when SPLAT – he hit a bird.  I think it was probably a swift or some other type of diving/swooping bird, it just swooped its little self right under the wheels.  He was pretty upset.  I confess that I laughed, and said something like “Aha! It isn’t just me!”  But maybe it’s my car? Maybe it isn’t me, but the car that is cursed.

I think before I go to campus tomorrow I’m going to call my pagan friend and have her do an exorcism and send all the spirits of those suicidal chipmunks who are clearly calling out to other critters to join in the fun big spirit party that is haunting Stewgad’s Subaru and have her send them back to the nature from whence they came.

And if that doesn’t work, I swear I’m gonna trade that fucker in for a Hummer. 

7 responses to “So F#($*%* Cursed!!

  1. Just a little technical info — don’t do beak to mouth. You resuscitate a bird by rocking it in your hands so its own internal weight does the thump thump for you. I have never tried it but that is what I read. (By the time I get to the birds that my borderline collie has caught mid air, they are past recovery.)

    The curse? I vote that you are observant!

  2. Is your car green, by any chance? Maybe it just blends in with the surroundings. Do you hit animals more often in the summer or winter? Is your car white? Do you live in the ocean? Is your car blue?

    I must know before I can decide if you’re cursed or just very observant.

  3. Thanks Suz, I actually knew that. But there really was not much of a chance I’d go back to revive the splat on the road that was that poor little indigo bunting. My mama raised me to love birds, but also to deeply fear diseases. Especially botulism. So I suspect if I had ACTUALLY put my lips to that little crittery deadness I’d have died of botulism. Or trichonosis. Or maybe the bird flu. 🙂

    Amanda – my car is dark, dark blue with tan-ish base (Subaru Outback circa 2000). I don’t live near the ocean and my kill quota seems to go down a bit in the winter, but I have hit winter critters also. Does this help? 🙂

  4. Yes. I think it is entirely possible that the critters you are hitting are mistaking your car for the sky.

    Or perhaps a submarine.


  5. I dunno about the curse, but maybe you could come drive back and forth in my neighborhood and the squirrels who keep inhabiting my attic will be drawn to throw themselves under your wheels? Please?

  6. So I was looking for a picture o this beautiful bird to show my girlfriend the bird I killed on my drive home the other day. I feel your pain. Many sleepless nights have I suffered after destroying this wonderful animal. In an attempt to redeem myself I have been scouring my local conservation areas, taking bird eggs out of their nests and bringing them home to care for them myself.

  7. I think it’s the world that’s cursed and the birds are throwing themselves under the cars to escape the madness.

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